When Memory Serves
by friendlyneighborhoodfairy
Summary: Zeref can't handle his fear about what's happening to his boyfriend: Natsu has magic-related mental illness, and Zeref is pretty sure it's his fault. {Hurt/comfort & fluff. See A/N.} Gift-fic for Chiyala.


**A/N:** Gift-fic for Chiyala. ^^ Happy (slightly belated) birthday, lovely! Hope you enjoy.

Note to others: this fic contains an incest ship. Don't like, don't read.

* * *

 **When Memory Serves**

Natsu should've returned already. He went to grab something at the market an hour ago. Zeref was paranoid about everything and maybe this was nothing, _maybe_ , but paranoia had saved him more than once.

Natsu wasn't careful: someone had to be.

Heading out the door, Zeref was barely down the dirt path when he found his brother. The Dragon Slayer stood with feet spread and hands loose at his sides, looking through the trees toward Magnolia. A bag lay on the ground a few meters away, dropped without notice.

"There you are," Zeref said, not bothering to announce himself to draconic senses.

The Salamander whirled, breathing fast—no recognition in his shocked eyes.

Zeref froze. "Natsu?"

After a moment, Natsu focused on him, familiar.

"Sorry." He turned his back. "Sorry."

"You okay?"

Biting his lip, Natsu searched the horizon as if it would give him the answer.

"Um…Natsu?" Zeref finally asked.

"Huh?" The Salamander glanced over his shoulder. "Oh, hey, hon. What are you doing here?"

Zeref's shoulders knotted. Shit. Shit, it was happening again.

"I came looking for you," he said, forcing a calm smile. "You didn't come home."

"I didn't?" Natsu blinked. "Oh, sorry. I was…thinking."

"About what?"

Seeing Natsu was relatively aware, Zeref put a hand on his back, a light reminder of reality. Natsu leaned into him.

"I don't remember," Natsu whispered. "I don't remember, Zeref. It's happening again. Something's wrong with me. I'm…broken."

"You're not broken," Zeref said immediately, "or defective, or a mistake."

"I feel like I forgot something," Natsu mumbled. "Something important."

Not important: something awful, something Zeref didn't want inside him ever again. Bits of life and spirit and dark magic knit together to make him alive and powerful. A tool…

The demon part of Natsu was gone now, but ever since being disconnected from his book, Natsu's mind had these blanks. Traumatized, not remembering.

Zeref was afraid that in reviving his brother he'd tinkered with his human soul—and only now, with Natsu solely human, did it show. Centuries ago, Zeref thought he knew what he was doing, had made magic dance in his hands, but knowing Natsu today as a multi-faceted adult with thoughts and quirks and preferences—Zeref wondered if he'd hurt Natsu in a terrible way when he dared to play with his life.

Everything was his fault.

Mavis told him this was part of being in love: fear of messing up. Zeref argued it was different when you brought that person back to life via questionable means. It was one of their ongoing philosophical discussions.

In this moment, though, it was anything but philosophical.

"What can you remember?" Zeref asked.

Wincing, Natsu pressed a palm to his chest. That was bad.

"I can't remember what I was doing…"

With a tiny gasp, he tripped forward. Zeref tried to catch him, but ended up on his knees at Natsu's side, shins smarting. He grabbed his brother's shoulder to twist him around and check his vitals, make sure he hadn't stopped breathing this time, or forgotten some other essential act, like letting blood flow through his veins…

"I'm fine," Natsu coughed, grabbing Zeref's hand, though he kept his other clenched over his heart. "It's okay."

"What do you feel?" Zeref asked, because Natsu never volunteered his feelings, especially if they involved physical pain.

"…I can't remember."

"Can't remember what?"

"I don't know!" The Salamander curled in on himself, head on his knees. "I know I love you. I know who I am. I know what day it is and where we are. But everything is loud; my thoughts… I know there should be more, but I can't focus long enough to remember."

Trembling, Natsu tugged Zeref closer and wrapped the dark mage around him like a coat. Zeref obliged, leaning against him and trying to breathe evenly and deep so Natsu had something to follow; the Dragon Slayer's pulse jumped erratically. As Zeref rested his cheek against Natsu's spine, his mind ran through options.

"If it hurts," he began, "I can…"

Do what? He lost most of his magic setting Natsu free from his book. Small-scale healing was fine, but he couldn't recreate E.N.D.'s life force, let alone remove any broken-off demonic pieces lingering inside him. Things as simple as restarting someone's heart were beyond him these days.

When he realized Natsu was still shaking, he slipped a hand under his vest to his skin.

"Zeref—" Natsu gasped. "You can't wait til we're in the house, lover?"

"Don't make light," Zeref said. "You're freezing."

"The ice-stripper and his winter boyfriend are freezing. I'm fine."

"Oh my god, are you going to fight me on everything?"

"Yes." Even in pain, Natsu twisted to grin at him.

Despite the situation, Zeref smiled, biting his cheek and hating that Natsu could always win anything.

"You're a pain in the ass," he muttered.

At the affection in his voice, Natsu's muscles loosened, breaths less tense. His lips were still blue, but they turned up in that contented look that was just for Zeref, when the world was calm and it was just them.

It wasn't right for him to smile like that when he was still so pale.

"I can at least do this for you," Zeref murmured, holding out his hand.

Flames crackled to life and Natsu clambered upright.

"Oh gods, yes." Inhaling the fire, he kissed Zeref's palm, eyes flicking up to see the effect this had on him.

Zeref flushed and lost track of his words. This time when Natsu smiled, a bit of color returned to his cheeks. Intertwining their fingers with a sigh, Natsu rolled onto his back.

"I'm staying here for a while."

"You're still hurting," Zeref said.

"I never said anything hurt," Natsu retorted. "Would you stop looking at me like that? It makes it worse."

Zeref jerked. "Like what?"

"Scared. Like you know something bad is going to happen."

"I don't know anything."

The admission was heavy. This was the problem: he didn't know, so he couldn't solve it. Anxiety twisting his gut, Zeref lay down against Natsu's side.

"I don't know either, Zeref."

Sadness crept into Natsu's voice, lost, unsure. It wasn't Natsu at all, to be defeated without fighting, meek instead of loud. None of this was right.

Going up on an elbow, Zeref pressed his lips to Natsu's.

"What was that for?"

"Checking whether you're still a human ice block."

Natsu smirked. "Of course you were."

Natsu reeled him in for another kiss, this one lasting longer. Even from an objective standpoint, Natsu was an amazing kisser, mouth moving over Zeref's at just the right pace to make him both hungry and satisfied. Natsu's heat was back, lips tasting a little like char, and when he cupped Zeref's head to keep him in place, Zeref let the last of the nervousness drain from his body.

Natsu was warm, solid—and back to the brash, confident Natsu who caressed Zeref's cheek and made him feel like gold.

Heart beating staccato, Zeref slid his fingers under the Salamander's vest and felt up his torso, reaching for secret places that made Natsu groan.

Natsu ceased kissing him.

"What are you doing?"

Zeref raised an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you forgot _this_."

"Of course not," Natsu snorted. "Who could forget sex? I meant, what are _you_ doing?"

Sitting up, Zeref looked at his fingers.

"I want to do this for you."

"I don't want you to fuck me out of pity," Natsu growled.

"It's not pity."

"Nor for bribery, or to make me feel better, or out of fear. None of those are good reasons."

"Natsu—"

"I don't want to do anything you don't want to. It pisses me off you think I'm like that—that I could enjoy taking advantage of your body. That is so fucked up."

Hands fisting on his knees, Zeref looked away. "Well, sorry."

"Why do you assume only sex makes me happy?"

"Because that's how people are."

"You told me you could live happily never having sex."

When Zeref shook his head, his brother huffed.

"I'm comfortable, Zeref. Maybe I'm like you a little. We _are_ related. Or maybe I'm just really good at masturbating. Either way, I like our life together and the amount of sex—and not-sex—we have. So don't…push me into things you don't want."

"Alright," Zeref said stiffly.

"Besides," Natsu sighed, "my chest hurts."

"Shit." Zeref shoved down his confused emotions, reaching for concern. "Kissing exacerbated it?"

"Love," Natsu said gently, "you didn't damage me. Making out was a distraction."

No matter how hard he tried to be, Zeref was soft clay, molding into the tenor of Natsu's voice and the relaxing touch on his arm. Foreheads together, Natsu nudged Zeref's cheek with his nose.

"Whenever you do actually want to fuck, _please_ just say the word and I will put my hands all over you. Like that time on Tenrou. You remember."

Zeref shivered. "Yeah."

"Good," Natsu smirked. "But until you want it, what I said several months ago stands: we only do what we're both happy with."

"Okay."

Zeref sighed, appreciating how the fingers running through his hair did not demand anything. Natsu was so effortlessly affectionate—whether in bed or in little gestures. Physical love was like breathing for him. For Zeref, alone for so long, touch was deliberate, thought-out. Moreover, he just didn't think that way: sexual touches were a language that didn't sound the same to him. The differences between those and the sweet, romantic touches he wanted were so hard to articulate.

Luckily, Natsu was good at touches of all kinds. Like right now, pressing against his side and just being.

"Are you still in pain?" Zeref asked some minutes later.

"Not too bad."

"Does it…upset you? Forgetting?"

The Dragon Slayer ducked his head against Zeref's shoulder.

"I'm worried I'll forget you—again. I already did once. I don't want to lose everything we've done, all of this…"

"We'll figure it out, Natsu. Like we always do."

"Yeah." Natsu blew out a breath. "I suppose I can trust an upstanding civilian like you."

"Are you making fun of me again?"

"No," Natsu chortled against his neck.

Zeref rolled his eyes.

There was lightness in his chest, growing brighter when Natsu laughed. How was Natsu was the one in pain yet Zeref the one being encouraged? It was unfair to Natsu. It wasn't balanced; Zeref wasn't even making up half of this relationship…

"Thinking too much," Natsu grumbled. And kissed him.

Natsu's breath was so warm against his cheek he didn't want to stop, but Zeref escaped long enough to say, "What do _you_ know about thinking?"

"It's overrated," the Salamander quipped back. Then his expression turned sincere. "Thank you for helping me."

"Just now?"

"Yeah." Natsu tilted his head, amused. "You really have no idea, do you?"

"About what?" Zeref asked, not expecting an answer, because Natsu didn't talk about feelings: he showed them.

But as they stood, Natsu hugged him, putting his head on Zeref's shoulder, and replied, "You have no idea how much you do just being yourself."


End file.
